apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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