I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
