nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
