new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
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