its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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