I feel great
I just peed on a car
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize