Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
