Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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