It's Friday. Sex?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
