I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
