i jhust puked up my retainher.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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