i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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