The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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