Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
