but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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