if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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