i think my tv is drunk
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
