if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
