Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
