I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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