Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
