"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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