I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
not ubering you a puppy
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