I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
