I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
