i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
