ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I have feelings that need drinking.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
