That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I could fuck to npr.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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