The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
