I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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