Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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