Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
