Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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