He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
this beer tastes like vomit already
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
