What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
