Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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