This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
