Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
