he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
