About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
