When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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