I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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