im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
