I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
