I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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