So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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