you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
i need an iv and a liver transplant
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize