I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
