shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
