the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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