I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
It's shark week go big or go home
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
