I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
