I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Someone signed my nipple.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
