Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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