Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
