I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
