Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
